


If I do not miss a part of you, a part of me is dead.

by Anakinstears (Virtualnepha)



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Anakin Skywalker Leaves the Jedi Order, Anakin Skywalker Needs a Hug, Angst, Assassins & Hitmen, Dark Anakin Skywalker, Eventual Happy Ending, Human Disaster Anakin Skywalker, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Not Beta Read, Obi-Wan Kenobi is a Mess, Past Padmé Amidala/Anakin Skywalker, Sith Anakin Skywalker, Suitless Darth Vader
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-28
Updated: 2020-05-28
Packaged: 2021-03-03 00:46:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,407
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24416092
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Virtualnepha/pseuds/Anakinstears
Summary: In which Ahsoka still leaves, Obi Wan fucks up, Anakin loses the only family he's known since he left tattooine.Or- There's a shift in the force when a sith surfaces as Ventress' new apprentice, and Obi-Wan would know him anywhere.
Relationships: Darth Vader & Asajj Ventress, Obi-Wan Kenobi & Anakin Skywalker, Obi-Wan Kenobi/Anakin Skywalker
Comments: 15
Kudos: 89





	1. Prelude

**Author's Note:**

> Assassin!Anakin type beat. Also, Ventress just wants revenge. I didn't make her /such/ a cold blooded killer here.

It's a bad idea, Anakin knows it is. Knows it as he's starting at Padmés horrified, guilty face from across the room; where she'd fleed from his grasp. Features completely drained of all the love she'd previously had before.

"He deserves to know." She said. "Everyone does"

Anakin said nothing, pointedly looking anywhere but her now. Regret burning him, coursing through his veins like magma. He'd been here many times before, in Padmés room. It was always so relaxing, soothing. A place he could go to escape many things, mostly judgement. He looks back at her now, he's lost his only confidante. He understood why the council had denied him the rank of the master. He truly was lost.

"Will he look at me the same way you are now?"

And maybe it wasn't fair to expect anything else of her. After all, how else should someone react to your confession of murder? No not murder, mass murder. Infanticide. Killing a whole village, women and children included. Does he regret it? Not when the only thing he can see when he closes his eyes is the abused body of his mother.

Padmé doesn't say much else after that. Asks Anakin to leave, says she'll never love him. He had figured as much, laughing bitterly into his fist. This he does regret, this he should have taken to his grave. 

She was right about one thing though; Obi-Wan should know. He deserves that much. After he leaves the order, perhaps his master could take on another Padawan. One that was meant to be a Jedi, didn't battle with the dark. One that wouldn't be so useless as to lose his _own_ Padawan. His mind raced to Ahsoka, before he pushed his anger back into the force. Hopping into a speeder, he briefly toyed with the idea of not telling Obi-Wan, pretending nothing had happened. Padmé would report him soon though, he was sure of it. Best it was heard from his own mouth.

So he found himself later in Obi-Wans room, back pressed to the older man's chest for probably the last time. He brought his master's arms closer around him, letting his mind wander to the comfort of his bed. Obi's force signature wrapped tight around him. It almost soothed the black clouds, lightning swimming around in his mind. This wasn't a usual thing for the pair, had only happened once since Akakin was a child; begging Obi to let him sleep in his bed. He found himself in the same position the night before he found his mother.

"What's on your mind, dear one?" Obi stroked the younger man's hair gently, Anakin basked in the kindness while he had it.

"Let me have this last moment" Akakin sighed. "before it all falls apart."

Obi wan stilled, confusion flooding their force bond.

Anakin almost laughed at how fitting it is, that the closest he would get to being loved by his master would be right before he became a villian in his eyes.

"I found my mother, you know. In tattooine." He started, feeling the confusion deepen in Obi's brain. "I didn't get there in time. She died in my arms, at the hands of the sand people."

He paused briefly, really he could stop here. Could say Padmé was lying. And would she really come after him? Make sure he see justice? Maybe, maybe not. _He deserves to know._ The words echoed off the walls of his brain. He kept going.

"I killed them. I killed them all. They're dead, every single one of them. And not just the men, but the women and the children, too. They're like animals, and I slaughtered them like animals."

The older man went completely still behind him. Anakin thought it couldn't get any worse than this, the violent silence. The fear he felt flooding the room before their bond went silent. He was wrong, of course. Because then, Obi-Wan dropped Anakins hand like it burned him. Left the bed. Left Anakin, sitting up now with his knees to his chest, peering at him in the dark.

"We have to go to the council."

"And why is that?" Anakin asked. "So I can be in republic custody for the rest of my life? Is that the future you would have for me, master?"

"That is the future you've made for yourself, Anakin."

His former Padawan rolled his eyes at that. What a perfect Jedi his master was. And he should go to jail for his ideals? He didn't think so. He made a mental note of where the door was, along with his master's saber, no longer on his person as he stood in the doorway in his night wear. Anakin also noted that he kind of resembled a scared animal. Could he really be afraid of him?

"Master" He pleaded. "Don't do this. I can't afford to lose anyone else."

Obi-Wans eyes darted to his communicator. Anakin did what he did best; he ran.

∆

Obi-Wan had a lot of regrets in his life. Nothing compared to how he handled last night with Anakin. Not even not being able to convince Ahsoka to stay in the order. Not even not being able to save Qui-Gon. 

He scoured Coruscant. He scoured tattooine.

He hadn't slept, yet he was on his way to Naboo for an unannounced meeting with Senator Amidala. He convinced the guards to let him through with the force, not even bothering to take the extra seconds to explain why he was there.

She looked bored when he stormed into her room. Bored or tired. He considered perhaps the latter, under-eye bags prominent even with her usual full face makeup.

"Tea?" She offered curtly. She was on edge, they both were. Dancing around the topic like they didn't both know why he'd came.

"No thank you" He rejected politely, stomach uneasy and unable to hold anything down. 

"Please," he started, "you know why I'm here. Where is Anakin?"

Padmé just looked at him sadly.

"I don't know" she said softly, "to be honest with you, Obi-Wan, I don't care. Anakin is lost. He's not the same man I fell in love with. Last time I saw him, he was on his way to you."

Obi signed deeply, fearing the worst. Not knowing what to fear at all. He could usually feel his former Padawan from planets away. Now, he felt nothing. He supposed that was his fault, he fiercely put up his shields at their last meeting; which he never did with the boy. Anakin did more than that, his force signature disappearing completely.

But Padmé couldn't mean what she said, eyes red from crying- hands shaking as she poured her own cup.

"I could never love a man who killed children."

It was a reasonable stance. Maybe Obi Wan wasn't so reasonable after all, memories flickering to the little boy Qui-Gon picked off Tattooine. How could he ever stop loving Anakin? The thought seemed impossible. He had raised the boy after all. He would do anything to take his words back; not because they were wrong, but because anything that could cause his friend to leave without a trace couldn't be right.

He had always had a faint jealousy of Padmé. Not because he necessarily wanted Anakin for his own, but because she was in the position to love him the way that he needed. Of course, he couldn't deny that maybe a part of him felt a little more for Anakin than could be considered brotherly.

Nontheless, Obi was Anakins teacher he was a Jedi. Jedi swore an oath. His attachment to the younger man was a mockery of the order. Still, he sometimes imagined meeting him a little differently. Where things could be a little more simply. 

The meeting was over before it begun. The Jedi, usually one for formalities; suddenly had nothing else to say. If Padmé didn't know anything about Anakins whereabouts, this was a waste of his time. He didn't say goodbye before leaving, and Padmé didn't even look up from her tea.

∆

He never stopped looking, not really. A year later, looking for Anakin was all he did in his free time. By now, all the galaxy must know the Hero With No Fear was nowhere to be found.

He joined this meeting via hologram. Unable to let the master's see the state of his existence. His usually spic and span room littered with notes. Maps. Places he's looked, places he will look.

"Give up your search, you must" Yoda decided abruptly, the seat next to him was still empty where Anakin would have been. It made something ache deeply in his chest. He looked up at the Jedi in shock. "Sign of attachment, this is. Unable to let go"

Mace studied his face closely. If he was being tested, he surely was failing over and over again. He tried to appease their rationale. 

"Surely, a Jedi of his power and reputation is too dangerous to let go on unchecked" Obi-Wan reasoned, who never did tell the council why Anakin left- just that he did. "We must find him"

Mace Windu narrowed his eyes at that, not at all buying the story being pitched by his colleague. 

"Is that why we should continue to look, Master Kenobi? Or is there something else that could be leading your...passion, to find Skywalker."

Obi-Wan stared at him blankly. Does no one else even miss the boy? He would be the first to admit that Anakin was a brat. Still very much a little boy at times. We're the Jedi really so unattached that they couldn't even _miss_? He looked around at the rest of the Jedi, similar expressions on all of their faces. Waiting. Curious.

Obi-Wan lied through his teeth.

"If the council feels it necessary, I will stop looking."

"A point, he has," Yoda considered. "Dangerous, Skywalker could be. Continue to look, we should.

Kenobi nodded, sweat beading at his forehead as all the other Jedi nodded silently.

"We will be monitoring the efforts" Mace said, and the holovid ended.

Obi collapsed back onto his bed.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's a rumor going around of an undefeatable sith named Vader.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anakin is angst

His mind was tormented by nightmares of the boy he had grown to love. It wasn't even until 8 months after the council meeting about Anakin did he receive a lead. There's a rumor going around of an undefeatable sith named Vader, seen with a certain assassin; Asajj Ventress. 

Vader was a big problem. He was rumoured to have been being trained by Sidious. Still not knowing his true identity, it would be hard to gauge the threat. There were many things said about him; that he had the power of life and death, and some even said he was death himself. What they knew for sure was that he was a new protege of Dooku and Ventress, and that he was extremely dangerous.

They had never met, but Kenobi had followed him once before, no urgency in the way he flew. Did he want to be caught? Could he be so cocky? He had to try and focus on the task at hand. Memories flashing to the man's fighting style. The way he moved and his technique with a saber, tactical but angry. Effective, as well, Kenobi thought- never seeing him lose a battle in any holo vid playing on a loop through his living quarters. Was he obsessed? He would like to think not. He was doing his duty as a Jedi, even if a larger part of him was doing it for himself. 

It wasn't hard to imagine Anakin falling to the dark side, unfortunately. To ignore the turmoil in his young students heart would be to purposely play blind. He had seen the shatterpoints, meditated with him. Felt the heavy storms that resided in him. He also felt the light. Saw his face light up training the younglings. Saving the day. Obi smiled sadly to himself. If Anakin was Vader, he could bring him back. He just knew he could.

This is what he thought until they finally met face to face. Or, rather, face to mask. They had sent him and Master Fisto to recover an ancient artifact in a underground tunnel on a rather rocky planet. They were well prepared, quite overprepared for what was supposed to be a simple search and retrieve mission; bringing a few clone troopers and droids aboard just in case. There was an uneasy feeling in the force as they trudged deeper into the mine. The fire of their torches illuminated their uneasy expressions as they surveyed their surroundings.

"From what I gathered from Master Yoda, this tunnel should lead us into an inner stone room. Inside will be a pedestal." He stated, looking around warily. 

"Orders, sir?" Echo asked.

"This way" Kit suggested, following a dim red light in another direction. "Keep close and be aware."

It was once he took the lead, Obi-Wan took a hard look at where they were. There were strange markings along the walls. It looked like no one had been down here in centuries, cobwebs thick and plentiful along the walls and ceilings. It was cold and unwelcoming, the stark contrast of the fire of his hands slightly burning his face.

He didn't have a good feeling about this at all.

Turns out, neither did Kit, coming to a complete halt suddenly. And then, oh wow. Because the force felt like a hurricane, dark energy almost malleable as they stopped in front of the room. The reason revealed himself promptly. Perched on the very same pedestal in question was- if the energy radiating off him was anything to go by-a sith. A very powerful one. He was adorned in a black uniform, black boots, and a mask with a respirator. The artifact was orbiting around him slowly.

"What can I help you with, Jedi?" The man, presumably Vader asked. His voice was robotic and undetectable.

 _No way to tell_ , Obi thought.

"It seems you have something that belongs to us" Kit said simply.

"Really?" He asked, letting the object drop to his palm, turning it over in his hands. "I don't see a name on it."

"It's property of the republic" Kenobi piped up, stepping forward into the room "Hand it over now, to avoid further confrontation."

"Hmm" He fake pondered. "Well, I have orders."

He ignited his saber, blood red.

"I'd rather your confrontation than hers"

The rumours were true, Obi thought, watching helplessly as Vader brought down a hoard of rocks trapping only them two in the room, having force pushed the rest of his party further back into the hall.

"We'll have to find another way." Codi exclaimed from the other side, blasters ineffective against the rubble.

Kit furrowed his brow.

"You go and try and find another way through, I'll try to clear the way" he said, focusing hard on the obstacles before him.

Obi-Wan gasped, catching the siths lightsaber with his own right before his throat. The cloaked figure didn't miss a beat before their weapons were clashing again.

"Your fighting style is a bit more reckless than I was expecting" the older man quipped.

He couldn't see it, but the sith was smiling.

"So you've heard of me"

Obi flipped over the other man, reinforcing his stance. It's been a while since he sweat this hard from a one on one battle.

"Who hasn't? You're a killer." he responded simply.

He was met with a scoff, and suddenly he was a little short of breath. He clutched his throat, suddenly unable to breath.

"That makes two of us."

Right as he dropped a sputtering Kenobi to the floor, Kit and the troops busted through the rubble, charging at a sith who was- no longer there. A hole cut into the wall, glowing red from the fire of his saber left in his place.

∆

If Obi-Wan was obsessed before, he was consumed now; refusing any mission not related to this mysterious man. He had one goal and one goal only.

The problem is, "Vader" was impossible to catch. Quick to come, quick to leave. That's why Obi is currently hiding in the back of Ventress ship 3 months later. It was larger than she usually liked, he noted. Chalking it up to maybe a preference of this "Vader", whoever he may be.

At the helm, Vader was levitating his duel sabers; lazily pretending he didn't feel Obi's force signature below deck. He smiled to himself, imagining what his master would say at such a careless misuse of the force. He shook the thought from his head, not surprised he still used that title for the older man.

_He abandoned you._

"Looks like you got what you wanted, he came looking for you" she said, draping herself across his lap, pressing a sloppy kiss against his cheek. "What will you do now?"

He knew what she wanted to hear. What the chancellor wanted to hear. _Kill him_. He would never, could never, wouldn't even think of it.

"I don't know" Vader responded, force juggling the sabers now. Ignoring Asajj' fake affection. Or maybe not fake, he didn't know, she kissed everyone. She was the closest thing he had to a friend now, so he would allow any care he could get. "I guess that depends on what my old master wants from me"

"He wants you back, obviously" She said, rolling her eyes.

"There is no 'back', only confinement. Prison" He said bitterly. "Besides, I am no Jedi. I'm a _killer_ "

Ventress rolled her eyes again. They were all killers, Jedi were no different. She didn't remove herself from his lap until he landed the ship, undoubtedly into a trap. Or, it would be a trap if they hadn't already planned for it. Vader put his mask on once more; shielding his voice, shielding his face. He was always one for dramatics, but it wasn't just that. 

His intention to leave the Jedi. Not bring them disgrace, not destroy them. If the hero with no fear had turned sith, what would that do to the order? _What would that do to Obi?_ He pushed the thoughts from his mind.

He stepped off the ship onto a marsh planet, Asajj staying behind to guard the ship. When he said they were going to the middle of no where, he meant it.

"Old friend" Vader addressed the man he could feel behind him. "I heard you were looking for me"

Obi-Wans heart jumped in his chest.

"Is this what you've been waiting so long for? Did you get what you wanted?'

"Not until you take off your mask"

Vader laughed softly. "Very well"

He turned to face him now, taking off the mask and letting it drop to the floor. It's not as if he didn't suspect it; because he did, but to see Anakin for the first time in over two years was... Heavy. His hair was much longer now, curling down to his shoulders. He was a bit taller than he remembered, a bit bigger in general. His ice blue eyes were now gold.

Anakin dropped his shields then, Obi feeling a rush of pain, anger, loneliness. Everything he felt over the past two years. Not being able to tell if it were his, or the man before him.

"Anakin" He started. "I am so sorry"

His past Padawan smiled at him sadly.

"It's too late for apologies, master. You and the council were always right. I was never meant to be a Jedi" Voice soft and sweet just as he remembered.

"I never said you weren't meant to be a Jedi!"

"But did you tell them they were wrong?"

They circled around each other now, neither really sure what to do next.

"I failed you, Anakin. I want another chance to make things right."

Anakin half considered it. He couldn't deny that he missed his master. The part of him that didn't, could never belong to anyone else. Did he miss the Jedi order? No. And one couldn't exist without the other.

"As I said, I am no Jedi. I have found where I belong"

"Anakin, the separatists are evil!"

"From my perspective, the Jedi are evil!" Anakin exclaimed, anger swelling.

All their memories together flooded his head, he pushed as many as he could through their tattered bond; not yet broken.

"I refuse to believe that you are lost!"

He activated his lightsaber 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was also short :-/ Just to let you guys know I JUST got into Star Wars so I apologise if this isn't very good or is OOC. Constructive criticism very welcome :-)


End file.
